“The problem is that you think you shouldn’t feel lost, confused, afraid, insecure or like a failure, if you are ever to create something meaningful.
That is an inverted form of dehumanization that we often conflate with self improvement.
Why is aspiring to reach a state where you are unable to feel insecure, lost or afraid, an inverted form of dehumanization?
Because it would require that you separate yourself from what makes you human… your ability to feel the full emotional spectrum, dark or light.
Doing that wouldn’t be self improvement. It’s dissociation.” - Xavier Dagba
This quote got me thinking about how comfortable I had let my life get a few years ago.
Don’t get the wrong idea - this wasn’t the “living on vacation” kind of comfort. I wasn’t comfortable with the place my work was at, or with relationships or health or money related things…. but I was having nice hot showers everyday. Sleeping in a cozy bed. Never getting too hot or too cold. Most importantly: not trying new things. Not taking risks.
It was the kind comfortability that comes with accepting what I’d always accepted. The comfort that comes with being in debt vs. having money. The comfort of complaining to myself, but not doing anything about it. The kind of comfort of “at least I know what I’m getting.”
THAT kind of comfort.
It’s like that saying “choose your hard”. Taking care of your health, eating right, moving your body, is hard; but not doing that, then dealing with repercussions later is hard too. Either way it’s hard. Choose your hard. A lot of us tend to defer the hard.
A few years ago I was very uncomfortable. New mom, starting a business, quit my corporate job, moved across the country. Then, I retreated into a period of time where I stopped going out of my comfort zone.
So much is lost when we stay in our comfort zone.
We settle.
We stop growing.
We accept what we don’t like, even though we have the power to change it.
The paradox is that it’s not actually comfort, comforting, or comfortable. Our brains confuse comfort with known.
I’ve shared many times the misconception that following my calling would be blissful. What I found was exactly what Dagba speaks of: lost, confused, afraid, insecure, like a failure.
When those emotions came up, they set alarms bells off for me.
I wish I’d known those were “correct”, “normal”, acceptable, reasonable, even welcomed responses. That it meant being fully human.
Part of the process. Not “oops, must be on the wrong path.”
To do something new IS scary, unknown, and you will have to face yourself. It does feel like you’re failing, until one day you’re not.
That wasn’t something to run from. That was something to embrace.
Embrace your humanity. The spectrum of emotions.
Let’s normalize that.
Now when I take my son to trampoline parks, climbing gyms, waterslides, the park I’ve made a contract with myself to join in, instead of just watch (may have recently pulled an arm muscle on the monkey bars).
Now in my work I do things that don’t feel cozy and comfortable. I go to the event, the lunch, I do the Live.
Granted, there was a long dark night of the soul where it was probably right to cocoon. But I’m not in that anymore.
It’s time for me to get uncomfortable in the unknown because that’s where the fullness of my humanity lies.
In my latest pod episode I share a story from a time in my journey where I was not in a place to be out of my comfort zone. If you’ve ever thought to yourself “why isn’t my business working”, you’ll enjoy this episode!
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